i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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