so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
we should paint friendship bongs
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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