I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
