we should wear snuggies to the strip club
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
