i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
