It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
