she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
