I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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