Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
