During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
