I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
