This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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