I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
