I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
