I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
