the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
