The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
