How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
