I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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