i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
