I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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