I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
