My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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