So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
