i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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