I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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