hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Holy sore nipples Batman
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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