I CAN MOONWALK!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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