im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
