I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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