Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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