Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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