i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
