Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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