i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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