i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
