I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My balls are so social today.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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