Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just pee around me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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