Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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