my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
