someone threw a dead crab at me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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