hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
