I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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