I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
