hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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