Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Randomize
