what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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