i don't like sucking hair
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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