He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
