I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
