Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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