i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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