i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
