FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
