Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
