Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
