no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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