I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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